Today I begin AGAIN with a Cup of Happy filled with my favorite – strong, bold coffee with just the right amount of half and half creamer to make the brew look like caramel. I never learned how to drink coffee with sweetener, just a rich, bitter and somewhat smoky roast is my favorite. What’s in your Cup of Happy this morning?
I have been doing self-reflection and becoming self-aware that even still today, I am still on a journey to heal. I have gone through many years of healing with professionals, what feels like a zillion hours on my own incorporating self-help ideas, reading books, receiving specialized training and not to mention leaded thousands of other women through a healing journey through my own ministry, Stronger than Espresso. So, you might think, and I might think – “I got this.”
The challenge when you begin to help others heal, in time, you can - wait, let me get more personal - In time, I could help others and yet still operate in the 3rd person. Does that make sense? Living in 3rd person. It’s like living in a life, but you are just in motion. You are robotic, living, surviving. Not in pain, not in joy. Just in motion.
I know that this is a part of my survival skills. I built these through my life because I endured various types of abuse beginning as a small child. I can exist and be in motion, but not really there. I find myself shifting into this place when it becomes stressful, overwhelming, or I feel lost, embarrassed, shame. Being a survivor of abuse, I know that this is a real issue for me and for so many other women that I talk to.
These issues and automatic responses can need real professional help and guidance. If you are facing these and you want to talk to someone, please reach out to a licensed professional. I have spent years working with professionals on these topics in my own life and as a voice for others.
Survivors can often experience disassociation, detachment or other coping tools – this can be very normal. It’s interesting because as an educator, I can write about healing, teach about healing, and truly create opportunities to lead others through a healing process. I can also give you ten tools right now on how you can help yourself stay present and ‘fix’ this.
But what I realized, when I really get honest with myself is that I am still coping this way when it gets really tough for me. There is a difference between the head knowledge of how to heal and actually living healed.
What I realized, this automatic response is keeping me from experiencing my life fully. Being in the present moment. Fully whole. Staying as One. It scares me.
What if? What if I get hurt? What if I fail? What if I am not good enough?
But what if for today….I practice getting in the present moment. Whole. And Safe.
This morning as I prepared to write I put on some Instrumental Soaking Worship music. [You might love something completely different]. I closed my eyes and sat quietly. Soaking in the moment. It can be very hard to sit still. The millions of thoughts, to dos, dental appointments, forgotten homework….blurs my mind.
But what if I could sit – still. Quiet. And just Stay as One?
I did. For about 11 seconds the first time. Try again. Again. Again.
I promise that I will work each day to learn how to sit still and Stay as One. My goal is to practice this meditation more and more so when I experience myself detaching under stress, I can stay whole.
Today, this verse also gives me comfort and hope. Exodus 33:14 “And he said, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.